March 01 2015: Time To Face The Music!

Here It is the Day that I told myself ( before the holidays) that I had to start my diet and get back on track.  I know it may seem to be a weird date to most people my logic Two weeks before Thanksgiving when Starbucks Starting Bringing back all of their Pumpkin spice and Everything Nice Goodies I knew it was that time of year again where i over indulge and there is no stopping me. Ok Ok  I know that I could of Done things right this year but I guess I wasn’t  strong enough to Just Say No!  like a junkie Who needs their fix I need my Freakin Pumkin Cream Cheese Muffins and Yummy Gingerbread Lattes.  So I decided I had been pretty good for a while and lost 20 lbs why not let myself live a little bit until after the holidays.  Then I realized Our Family was going on a road trip from Virginia To Texas to visit family and indulge in all the kind of foods we can’t get where we live and remind me of being a kid. So Why Would I start a diet  back up  after the Holidays just to go back to eating super yummy unhealthy foods again.  So March 01 2015 sounded like the perfect date to start on since it was just a few days after I went back to work from our vacation.   So here we are on that date where I swore I was going start being better …..well I didn’t!  what I did do I had my one last hurrah on Junk Food R Us express.  I sampled tons of secret Menu Frappuccinos , I ate Double Smoked Bacon, egg and cheese  Croissant  Sandwich, Plus 2 or three pastries.  Yup It was yummy and revolting at the same time.  I ate it and Loved it but not even a second  after eating it I Felt Guilty and horrible about myself.  Which Sucks!!!!  Why eat food if your not even going to enjoy it.  If your going to feel guilty and not take in the yumminess of what we just wasted 500 calories on?!??!?!?  So Yes Here we are on March 01 2015 and I’m Over this stupid game I play with myself all the time.  I want to be able to do the holidays better next year!!!!  So I am ready for my Journey to continue I will Take all of my Measurements tomorrow and face the music to realize what just a few months has done to my success .  Has Anyone Else done this to themselves?  Been Doing amazing and just BAMMMMM  Sabotage yourself?  What did you do to get back in the groove of things?  Did you tough love yourself or did you take it easy an were forgiving and just eased your way back into it?

Day 66: Bad Days can always turn out to be amazing. Fighting Anxiety

2:45 this Am My baby girl woke up screaming , so I jumped up and went to her side and rocked her until she fell a sleep.

3:30 Am  Baby E wakes again Screaming.  I understand she’s teething and things are not ok.  so I decided maybe we both will get more sleep if she’s in our bed.  Since I’m Weaning her from nursing she really doesn’t understand what’s going on and why mommy wont comfort her the way she used too. After protesting for a bit she finally fell a sleep

5:30 am the Hubby has to get ready for work and now the day has to begin.  Baby E is totally awake and I’m totally Freakin Wore out.  I’m Tired , I’m Cranky and I’m full on Anxiety.   See I’ve always dealt with some form of Anxiety and depression but since having my little princess it’s been through the roof.  I mean Really It’s gotten so bad lately I’ve felt trapped by my fear.   At times I felt like my world was caving in on me and at times I didn’t want to get out of bed.  Now being a mom means I have to get out of bed and I need to put a smile on my face and act like  I have it all under control.  Sadly that’s not what has been going on and the fact is that it’s hard.  I don’t know if I’m doing a good job half the time and I am fearful of the What Ifs in my life.  Either I replaying my past of unhappy events or I’m fearful for the what if’s that might lay a head.  So Here I am this morning at a loss.

Baby E was a little cranky from lack of sleep this AM

So all I can think of is I have my Dr appointment at 11 to talk to a therapist finally after being silent of all these fears for 15 months I’m going to talk to someone.    I’m going to tell her Everything I told myself NO Holding BACK!  I just want to feel normal and OK again.  Reminds me of the Ingrid Michaelson song Be Ok.  I just want to be ok today.

So 11 comes around and I meet my new therapist.  I instantly love her she’s a kind person and she really understood what I was going through.  I mean she even told me that A lot of moms and Dads feel this way but never get help.  That they are so worried about what other people are thinking about them that they are scared to tell the people that matter the most that they are hurting.  It was amazing.  I mean really I cried for about 90 minutes of our 2 hour session.   I used almost all of her tissues.  Then I realized at the end of the session I actually felt better.  I mean no I don’t feel cured and she does want me to talk to my primary care Dr.  about getting on some sort of  meds for the anxiety but I felt better. I mean this weight has been lifted off my shoulders I’m no longer caring a burden of this secret.  It was out in the open.   So besides Meds.  She also wants me to try and take small steps towards cleaner eating.  Which is what my goal was anyways so that might not be easy but she said small steps not giant leaps so it’s doable.   Also she wants me to start journaling.  No don’t worry I’m going to make this blog about my anxiety and things like that.  I’m going to go old fashion and actually write it down with a pen.   Finally she wants me to get a physical which I’ve been putting off for YEARS!!!  That’s Right For YEARS!!!  So I made an appointment on Tuesday.

So maybe these Dog Days Are Over???

When I got home From my Appointment Both Baby E and I took a nap in our own beds and woke up feeling refreshed.   I got a surprise my friend Jamie Came by and gave me some of her older clothes that dont fit her anymore but are now my size hello size 20!!!!  Good bye Size 22 !!!!

Then it was time for some exercise.  I’ve been kind of slacking a bit this week on the exercise front and the eating front HELL  I don’t think I can say I was actually dieting or being healthy this week at all.

So on this Crazy Day that turned out to be amazing I walked 3.3 miles with my wonderful baby girl that I love so much .  It was a perfect end to the day

One More thing.  If you Suffer from Depression or Anxiety please don’t stay silent.  Get help.  Don’t feel ashamed.  Don’t Wait until it’s out of control and you feel crippled by it.  Talk to someone.  If not a loved one, friend a Therapist or call any of these hot lines,  I promise your bad days can always turn around to be amazing!  Also Feel Free to share this story with friends and family if you think someone might be suffering from anxiety and depression.  Let them know they are not Alone.

Suicide

• Suicide Hotline

1-800-SUICIDE

• National Suicide Prevention Helpline

1-800-273-TALK

• National Adolescent Suicide Hotline

1-800-621-4000

Depression

• Postpartum Depression

1-800-PPD-MOMS

• Veterans

1-877-VET2VET

All Types of Crisis

• United Way Helpline

1-800-233-HELP

• Youth America Hotline

1-877-YOUTHLINE (1-877-968-8454)

• Covenant House Nine-Line (Teens)

1-800-999-9999

• The Trevor Helpline (For homosexuality questions or problems)

1-800-850-8078

 

Day 40!!!! I Rocked it!!

 

So today I woke up with Excitement for my walk!  I missed it so desperately yesterday!   My and baby E had our oatmeal and banana for breakfast.  She actually decided that bananas would make a good face mask lol but I think she got at least a little in her :O) .  then we set off for a walk.  We left super early so i could get to the grocery store and buy just a few healthy options for the day. ( NO MORE CAKE POPS!!!!!  I got Fiber one bars instead at only 90 calories over 170 it’s a win in my book.)   I took the very long way around and the walk to a from ended up being 2.5 miles.   Not to bad.  On the way home from the walk my BFF  Laurie Called me.  She actually has inspired me a lot for this weight loss. She’s lost 60 lbs and looks soooooooo amazing.  She gave me some great tips and the much needed pep talk.  So after getting off the phone with her I decided to do two more miles using the biggest loser power walking video :O)!!!  I used a lighter weight this time though since my arms and chest are still hurting from two day s ago!  So Before work I’ve put in 4.5 miles!  Such a great day!   Also My new go to after work out snack is a non fat greek yogurt with 1/2 tables spoon lemon curd and 1/2 teaspoon agave!  Such a nice little treat and it’s only 150 calories!  So I’m on top of the world with excitement.  

oh and yesterday I didn’t so great on the eating front!  I will though I went super healthy shopping since I’m huge on sweet right now I got a lot of healthy alternatives :O)  Like Watermelon and pineapple plus fiber one bars :O)  

I hope everybody has an amazing Friday !!! 

Hi My Name Is Leah and I’m a Hypochondriac !

Oh My God My Chest is Killing me.  I mean My Arms are killing me too!!!   I have to keep reminding myself that they hurt because I used my dumbbells during the biggest loser walking video. I have to remind myself of this because I’m such a hypochondriac!    I remember When I was in my early twenties I would call my Friend Amanda (who was an RN).

Me:  Amanda I think I’m Having A Heart Attack

Amanda:  Girl Your Not Having a Heart Attack.

Me:  But You know I’m a Big Girl I’m Having Chest Pains

Amanda:  Even being Over Weight at your age it’s very unlikely

Me:  I’m Having Chest pains and my arm hurts

Amanda:  Leah I’m Almost For sure your Not having a heart attack

Me:  OK  If your Sure.

I used to do this maybe once a month.  My Poor Friend Amanda Was such a Trooper with me and my Craziness.

This should of been a sign I should stop smoking WEED!!!!!  LOL  I used to FREAK OUT!!!  On top of me being a Hypochondria I would get Stoned and Be so paranoid.

 

Then there was the time at 3 am I Swore My Appendix was going to burst. I woke up my then Boyfriend (Now Husband)  Had him take me to the ER.  I was totally in panic.  I was in Pain and I was not doing so well.  As We are getting out of the Car to Go into the ER.   I let out the BIGGEST FART EVER!!!!!!!  I mean I think I set off the car alarm next to me it was such a fart.  So Andrew Just shook his head and got back in the car.   So Now Years later I don’t smoke pot and I had my Appendix Removed when it was actually going bad (which I totally put off like it was no biggie until my mom forced me to go to the ER) .  All Discovery health channels are banned in our house.  If they have a special on tumors I swear I have one and My husband has to Tell Me it’s not a tumor.

Now I just have to remind myself My Chest HURTS Because I rocked my Work out.  I pushed myself harder then I had in a while working all of those sore Muscles.  So My Name is Leah and I’m a Hypochondriac and I’m trying to get better

I shouldn’t of done it!!!!

I’ve been eating to heal emotional feelings. Haha like that actually works.   I decided yesterday that today was going to be different I was going to be positive and not be so down.  So I wake up with on the right side of the bed and I tell myself this is normally your day of rest but no you should be active!

But first let’s jump on the scale!!!!   Um OK if your trying to stay positive jumping on the scale after being not on track is not the way to do it.   I’m officially back at 250lbs!!! That’s a 2.2 lb gain in 2 days!!! WTF!!!!!!   OK OK OK I’m not going to let this derail my positive intentions so I did day 3 of the yoga challenge and 35 min of the biggest loser power walking video.    So now to focus on good food choices for the day.

Day 36: Running in the Rain or at least walking in the Rain

Day 36: Today was a day of ups and downs like a lot of days are. Today I started off by doing the first day of the yoga challenge again. i figured I was sick last week and I didn’t do that great so I would re restart the challenge. So I did 20 mins of yoga and then 20 minutes of BBJV which was a nice change from jillian micheals.

So I ate lunch and then I discovered the ice cream in the freezer it’s the slow churned 1/2 fat but I ended up eating 3 times as much as I should of So I decided right then and there I was going to have to run tonight. Plus I wanted to start my Couch to 5 k Training. I waited till the hubby came home so he could watch E so I could run and not worry about her getting fussy or pushing a stroller while trying to jog. I know people do it but I’m just not so sure how I feel about doing it. Well He gets home and it’s spritzing out side. I sat and thought about it. Well this is a perfect way to back out of it! No No No I had that stupid “light” Ice Cream which was amazingly delicious. I’m not going to melt. So I tightened my laces and headed out.

The first song on my pandora list was

Ok Couch to 5k I got this I mean I’ve been getting in better shape now for 36 days! so I wouldn’t call myself at the couch leave yet! Ummmmmmm So Maybe they should come out with a Bed 2 5K because I was dying!!! I mean I got done with half the intervals and decided that’s all I could do! I had to just walk the rest. so I’m making my way back and I see this guy Saying something to me so I take out my ear buds and he’s singing Eye of the Tiger.

lol I didn’t know if he was teasing or being supportive. So I smiled and said thanks I’m trying. lol HE Said Well Keep it up your doing great! OK this is the 2nd time in a weeks time that someone has cheered me on while doing my walk. I’m not sure if it’s just by chance or if they have been noticing me the last month plus struggling and thought I needed a boost. Either way it made me extremely happy. I get home a little wet and feeling super pumped not only did I have a great walk I also did it at 17 min miles which is a min a mile shaved off my normal time!!!!!!! Yippie That is awesome.

The Other Day I was Walking Baby E around in the Stroller.  Just a nice Slow Pace.    It was more For a nice Relaxing Walk instead of a intense Cardio Walk (Because This girl Ain’t Running, not yet at least) .  About a mile into the walk I hear this jogger coming up from behind us and nice rate.  Normally They go around us since we have the big bulking stroll that isn’t so easy to navigate on the very narrow side walks.  This Jogger Was different I mean I could hear them stepping at a perfectly even rate.   When they started getting closer I was a little envious that they seemed to really have a nice pace (meaning pretty darn fast) as I finally decided They weren’t going to go around me. to scoot over.  I even contemplated Bowing Down and Saying

“I’m not Worthy , I’m not Worthy!”

 

As I pull over and turn to see this amazing jogger/runner behind me i realized to my shock it was a LEAF!!!!  Really a freakin LEAF!!! Here I was in My mind idolizing the person with the perfect running.  Wishing I could run like that.  That I could have such a perfect step and pace.  Maybe this was just a sign to tell me.  I need to be more aware of my own work out and not everybody else.  Not at home when I think I can’t do the work out like the women on the screen or when my friends are telling me that they can do 100 sit ups. (which since having a C section I don’t know if I can even do one!!!) or Run 5 miles in 25 minutes!   It’s ok that I’m doing modifications but that’s a starting point.   We all Start some where.  Some of us just wait till their 33 to do so and some start when they are 11 months and learn how to walk!

 

So I say I am worthy of being healthy at my own pace.

Day 25: The Gassy Yogi and Enjoyable Torture

I’m only going to eat one today

 

Here we are Day 25:  All About Sun Salutations and Gas.   I’m so glad I exercise in my house by myself.  At least I’m happy about that today.  It’s no surprise with a healthier diet I’m eating more fiber and anything that fills you up .  Well It’s been doing the job too well.  Every time I turned to do another down ward dog I ripped another one.  I mean I was embarrassed and I was by myself.  Maybe this is a sign that i need to cut back on all this fiber. Maybe only one salad today not 2.  So after a crazy yoga session I started the search for a new work out video.  One that is challenging but not too challenging.  With someone that is fun and up beat but not a freaking cheerleader.. (Um Denise Austin)  So I started with a dance work out and the warm up had me lost so I changed to cardio kick boxing… I could only do 20 minutes of it but I liked it.  I may not be able to walk tomorrow but I enjoyed the torture.   I then did about 8 minutes of Denise Austin cardio walking video!!! yeah I couldn’t handle her Cheerleaderness.  Not that I don’t care for cheerleaders just not while I’m trying to work out.  so I did about 30 minutes of cardio all together today and my yoga.  I will call this a win.  I’m going to have to find some sort of work out video for the days I don’t do the kickboxing.  I have a feeling i can only that video every other day

Oh and I’m starting to really feel the difference.  I know I’ve now been doing this for a little bit but I’m starting to notice that I engage my abs while at work and I stand a little taller then I used too.  It’s nice.  I had only one person notice the other day.  One of our regular customers that hasn’t been in for about a month came in and commented on me looking healthier!  How nice.  it only took 25 days but I figure with in the next 25 days more people will notice.  Not that I’m doing it for them but it for sure lifts my spirits when people say something.  Plus my work out clothes are getting a little lose!

Yup this one Happy Gassy Girl

Here’s to a Healthier you Just don’t over do the fiber 😉

Day 24: Whirlwind/wacky Wednesday!!!!

So  Baby E and I  Woke up on opposites sides of the bed today and too bad they were both the wrong side!!!!  Cranky Baby Cranky Mommy.  It was a lose lose situation.  So After Nursing her and fighting her to change her diaper ( I mean come on why would you want to sit in your own filth???) .  I finally got to make my ice coffee and today I was adding the horrible creamer to it!!!  I mean the kind that has nothing real in it.. Just artificial everything and taste sooooooo good.  i go to shake it and DANG IT my husband forgot to snap it shut so now I have creamer EVERYWHERE!!!!!  I mean baby E has it in her hair it’s on the counter top and the floor.  So needless to say it started off a little rocky!  It’s ok I tell myself it’s just another day and at least you have paper towels and can clean it up no problem.   So I move forward and I let it go.  Cue Frozen Song….

So now we are settled and eating our pumpkin oat meal and or egg beaters (which I added a little cheese and bacon bits to)  E wasn’t having her jumper today so I figured she was done and let her roam around in the living room.  Before I know it she takes her daddy’s old dirty sock and plop it goes into the eggs!  :O(  I guess she was trying to tell me we were both done.   It’s days like this I hate to admit I can’t wait for nap time.  I’m counting down the minutes so I can get my yoga on.  It’s like a RESET Button.  Finally 9:15 hits!!!!  NAP TIME!!!!!  She doesn’t fight it at all today!  I guess she was looking forward to the reset button as well.

Day 24 yoga was all about morning sequence so it was opening up everything and it was amazing.  I couldn’t find that Stillness she kept talking about but it was still awesome!!  Now For Some Zumba for Dumbies (really I figured the real zumba was out of my league) .  I got through about 20 minutes of it. I was sweating and i was engaging my abs.  MY ABS are killing me.  I know I looked like a hot mess.  doing it but hey I need a change!  Plus it was free on youtube.  I’ll have to find a different video next time because the lady was a little blah!   but I did it at least.   Oh and The Reset Button Totally worked for me.  Hopefully It will work for my Adorable baby girl!

Day 22!!!!!! The Ups the Downs The Getting Stuck on a Slide

Today is Monday and it started off Great!!!  I lost Weight at weigh in!!!!  So I decided to get off my butt and do my yoga it was 20 minutes of a relaxing stretch nothing too intense today which was much appreciated.  Then came the Billy Blanks Video .   Which Went a little like this

5 minutes in:  Oh Wow I’m sore

7 minutes in:  Oh I think I may need something to drink

15 minutes in:  Do I need to pee?  I think I need to pee ?!??

20 minutes in:  Maybe I should just stop at 20 min. I mean I rocked the weigh in

30 minutes in:  Billy Blanks Says it’s the last 10 minutes!!!!!  What I’m awesome I got this

35 minutes in:  YUP I got  it I got It I got it hurray

40 minutes in:  Dang that was amazing feeling now lets go for a walk.

So As soon as Baby E Woke Up we went for a walk to the park near our house and played for a little bit.  It’s the perfect day for it.  It’s 80 degrees low humidity with a nice breeze.  In the DC area that is golden especially for JULY!!!

So we went up stairs down stairs (E loves to climb)  Then We decided to go down the slide!!!  Um Yeah so your suppose to actually go down the slide  Not get stuck half way!!!!!  I mean REALLY!!!!!!!

So instead of letting that defeat my self esteem it actually encouraged me to walk another mile  So I walked a total of 2 miles today did 20 minutes of yoga and 40 minutes of Billy Blank Video !!!

I think Monday has become my new favorite day of the week