Day 66: Bad Days can always turn out to be amazing. Fighting Anxiety

2:45 this Am My baby girl woke up screaming , so I jumped up and went to her side and rocked her until she fell a sleep.

3:30 Am  Baby E wakes again Screaming.  I understand she’s teething and things are not ok.  so I decided maybe we both will get more sleep if she’s in our bed.  Since I’m Weaning her from nursing she really doesn’t understand what’s going on and why mommy wont comfort her the way she used too. After protesting for a bit she finally fell a sleep

5:30 am the Hubby has to get ready for work and now the day has to begin.  Baby E is totally awake and I’m totally Freakin Wore out.  I’m Tired , I’m Cranky and I’m full on Anxiety.   See I’ve always dealt with some form of Anxiety and depression but since having my little princess it’s been through the roof.  I mean Really It’s gotten so bad lately I’ve felt trapped by my fear.   At times I felt like my world was caving in on me and at times I didn’t want to get out of bed.  Now being a mom means I have to get out of bed and I need to put a smile on my face and act like  I have it all under control.  Sadly that’s not what has been going on and the fact is that it’s hard.  I don’t know if I’m doing a good job half the time and I am fearful of the What Ifs in my life.  Either I replaying my past of unhappy events or I’m fearful for the what if’s that might lay a head.  So Here I am this morning at a loss.

Baby E was a little cranky from lack of sleep this AM

So all I can think of is I have my Dr appointment at 11 to talk to a therapist finally after being silent of all these fears for 15 months I’m going to talk to someone.    I’m going to tell her Everything I told myself NO Holding BACK!  I just want to feel normal and OK again.  Reminds me of the Ingrid Michaelson song Be Ok.  I just want to be ok today.

So 11 comes around and I meet my new therapist.  I instantly love her she’s a kind person and she really understood what I was going through.  I mean she even told me that A lot of moms and Dads feel this way but never get help.  That they are so worried about what other people are thinking about them that they are scared to tell the people that matter the most that they are hurting.  It was amazing.  I mean really I cried for about 90 minutes of our 2 hour session.   I used almost all of her tissues.  Then I realized at the end of the session I actually felt better.  I mean no I don’t feel cured and she does want me to talk to my primary care Dr.  about getting on some sort of  meds for the anxiety but I felt better. I mean this weight has been lifted off my shoulders I’m no longer caring a burden of this secret.  It was out in the open.   So besides Meds.  She also wants me to try and take small steps towards cleaner eating.  Which is what my goal was anyways so that might not be easy but she said small steps not giant leaps so it’s doable.   Also she wants me to start journaling.  No don’t worry I’m going to make this blog about my anxiety and things like that.  I’m going to go old fashion and actually write it down with a pen.   Finally she wants me to get a physical which I’ve been putting off for YEARS!!!  That’s Right For YEARS!!!  So I made an appointment on Tuesday.

So maybe these Dog Days Are Over???

When I got home From my Appointment Both Baby E and I took a nap in our own beds and woke up feeling refreshed.   I got a surprise my friend Jamie Came by and gave me some of her older clothes that dont fit her anymore but are now my size hello size 20!!!!  Good bye Size 22 !!!!

Then it was time for some exercise.  I’ve been kind of slacking a bit this week on the exercise front and the eating front HELL  I don’t think I can say I was actually dieting or being healthy this week at all.

So on this Crazy Day that turned out to be amazing I walked 3.3 miles with my wonderful baby girl that I love so much .  It was a perfect end to the day

One More thing.  If you Suffer from Depression or Anxiety please don’t stay silent.  Get help.  Don’t feel ashamed.  Don’t Wait until it’s out of control and you feel crippled by it.  Talk to someone.  If not a loved one, friend a Therapist or call any of these hot lines,  I promise your bad days can always turn around to be amazing!  Also Feel Free to share this story with friends and family if you think someone might be suffering from anxiety and depression.  Let them know they are not Alone.

Suicide

• Suicide Hotline

1-800-SUICIDE

• National Suicide Prevention Helpline

1-800-273-TALK

• National Adolescent Suicide Hotline

1-800-621-4000

Depression

• Postpartum Depression

1-800-PPD-MOMS

• Veterans

1-877-VET2VET

All Types of Crisis

• United Way Helpline

1-800-233-HELP

• Youth America Hotline

1-877-YOUTHLINE (1-877-968-8454)

• Covenant House Nine-Line (Teens)

1-800-999-9999

• The Trevor Helpline (For homosexuality questions or problems)

1-800-850-8078